The art of saying no
Reshuffles, flushes and learning to say no.
Kia ora and welcome to The Weekend with Madeleine Chapman
Nearly every piece of advice or social trend can be boiled down to encouraging people to say "yes" more or "no" more. Dating advice has a foundation of saying yes, putting yourself out there, being open to new people and possibilities. The proliferation of "therapy speak" was essentially a granting of permission to say no. Don't go to things that aren't fulfilling, don't feel pressured to respond to texts, don't always put others first.
As societies and economies go through their ebbs and flows, so too does the country oscillate between yes and no. In a pandemic and while in nationwide lockdowns, everything was no. The world and all our lives were defined by what we weren't allowed to do. At first there was a safety in it, then a suffocation. And now, as New Zealanders look desperately to the other side of a recession and cost of living crisis, the prime minister has declared that the era of no is over. It's all about saying yes now. It's about growth and potential and moving forward.
These are all exciting and positive words, unsurprising to hear from a prime minister searching for a bit of mojo. No is barrier. It's stifling and static and the opposite of what people think they want. Only unambitious people say no.
But there is a power and positivity in being able to say no. In not doing things simply because you can, or because it's easier than resisting. We need yes people in government – people with ambition and big picture ideas for our country. We also need leaders who can say no and know when to stop. Who can cut losses and aren't afraid to be the downbuzz.
I grew up in a no household and subsequently became someone who found it very hard to say no to anyone else, even when they hadn't asked for anything. Being a forever yes man means getting a lot done while growing a slow and steady sense of resentment towards those around you. Being unable to say no worked well for me in the sense that I did a lot of work in my 20s that progressed my career and burnt me out multiple times. But by far the hardest thing about becoming a manager was learning to say no. I had foolishly assumed that I would manage 15 versions of myself AKA everyone would take suggestions as commands and not ask for things unless it was the absolute last resort. Lol.
Three years of sporadically tidying up after shrugging yes to things I had a feeling we shouldn't do has made me appreciate the positive force in a no. Luxon may be familiar with that feeling after it was revealed that the Treaty principles bill was not a bottom line for Act in the coalition agreement and he could have in fact said no right at the beginning and saved himself years of distraction (and having to constantly reiterate a belated no when questioned about it) while in government.
A no can be demoralising and disappointing, but they simply have to exist alongside the yeses. When I moved cities for university and had no one to tell me I couldn't do something, I couldn't wait for my life of luxury and fun to begin. Turns out my idea of fun was just watching lots of TV and not going to lectures. It took a semester and nearly losing my scholarship to realise that I'd have to learn to say no to myself as well. Turns out too much of anything will make you sick.
Special Opening Night Screening: The Haka Party Incident
We're excited to invite you to a special screening of The Haka Party Incident – the powerful new Kiwi documentary that tells the story of a pivotal moment in New Zealand’s history.
In 1979, a group of Māori and Pasifika students at the University of Auckland took a stand against a parody haka performed by Pākehā students. The consequences were severe, with many of the activists facing criminal convictions. Director Katie Wolfe unearths this often-overlooked event with powerful interviews and thought-provoking storytelling.
The screening will be followed by a Q&A with director Katie Wolfe and The Spinoff Ātea editor, Liam Rātana.
When: Thursday 30th January, 6pm
Where: Rialto Newmarket, AucklandOnly five double passes available – be one of the first five to RSVP and claim yours.
Email rsvp@thepublicgood.co.nz now to reserve!
What happens to tramping poo?
Sometimes a long drop is just the beginning of a turd’s journey. Gabi Lardies talked to a DOC senior ranger about how they deal with a network of over 2000 toilets in scenic and remote locations, not shying away from the question of the stink. A researcher from Arowhenua told her why you shouldn’t always leave poo where it was pooped.
From hatchet man to healer
Last weekend’s cabinet reshuffle saw car-crazy Simeon Brown shifted from his role as transport minister. Chris Bishop will step into Brown’s previous transport portfolio. Hailing from the party’s urban liberal wing, Bishop is seen as less of a hardliner than Brown. He’s even praised a cycleway on social media. So what changes might we see?
Join us live in 2025
We have four fantastic live events in 2025. Join us in Auckland and Wellington for The Spinoff Live.
Auckland at Q Theatre: Bryn & Ku’s Singles Club Party, February 13 and Gone by Lunchtime Live, April 9.
Wellington at the Hannah Playhouse: The Fold Live, February 20 and The Spinoff Book Club, March 13.
The Spinoff Essay: Walking off the old me
It began innocuously, just before Anna Sophia’s 54th birthday. A calendar picture of the Emerald Lakes in Tongariro National Park, above her desk, dared her to eyeball their green depths. There was one way to get there, on foot. She had never walked 20km before, especially on that kind of terrain. The Tongariro crossing took her three hours longer than DOC’s estimated seven-hour timeframe, and set off a chain reaction that altered her life trajectory.
The stories Spinoff readers spent the most time with this week
Amber O’Sullivan shares her experience of a decade of painful penetrative sex.
Ātea editor Liam Rātana charts the rise and fall of Shane Reti
Gabi Lardies and Liam Rātana detail who’s in and who’s out after change at the Waitangi Tribunal
Mat Brown catalogues the short history of permanent temporary buildings in New Zealand
Henry Cooke examines whether past careers are important in politics
Recommended reads for your weekend
Maybe 2024 wasn’t all bad. Allison Hess shares 11 feel-good nature wins to start the year
A new poem about getting fleeced by Zoë Deans
Being in your togs in the middle of the city and walking to your car braless is the new normal. Anna Rawhiti-Connell endorses Browny’s new pool
Alex Casey talks to Sam Wills about spending two decades in silence as Tape Face.
Claire Mabey reviews the Bob Dylan biopic, A Complete Unknown
Where to watch all the 2025 awards season’s biggest movies and TV shows
It’s yes to mining, yes to an overhaul of the science sector, and no to saying no, writes Toby Manhire from the PM’s state of the nation speech
RIP to The Body Shop. Our love for it’s lip balm will live on
If all your friend catch-ups feel like interrogations, Hera Lindsay Bird has answers for you
New year, same friendly local politics podcast. Toby Manhire, Ben Thomas and Annabelle Lee-Mather are back with Gone by Lunchtime
A 50-year-old sickness beneficiary who volunteers at an op shop explains her approach to spending and saving on The Cost of Being
On Meta going MAGA, TikTok’s perilous future and NZ media in 2025
Anna Rawhiti-Connell joins Duncan Greive on The Fold to recap an epochal month in the geopolitics of social media and share thoughts on 25 predictions about media in New Zealand.
Reader feedback of the week
On She knew before she could read’: The reality of raising a trans child
"Thank you for sharing. My child is at the start of this journey transitioning to male (12YO) and only identified recently, so probably too late for blockers. We have had a period of several years of increased harm leading to suicidal ideation and we all hit the wall late last year when it peaked. They have now leaned into a new appearance, covered their walls in pride flags, started on anxiety meds and doing really well. We go back to school in a couple of weeks a different person (which I am nervous about) but couldn't be prouder of them. Your story resonated with me and I thank you for sharing"On What happens to tramping poo
"We built a sawdust toilet (bucket in wooden frame, toilet seat on top, bag of sawdust for sprinkling on leavings) and it was a huge upgrade on the plastic bag option of Day 1. Still had to dispose of the end result but it was compostable and nowhere near as gross or stinky. Fresh sawdust smells lovely"
Thanks for reading. See you next week.
Thank you Madeline for your clear thinking. I say yes to your writing.
Something else to say no to. This mojo fantasy of Luxon – let’s get our magic back, he says.
Let’s say no to magical thinking, to policy based on reckons and lobbying and delusions. Let’s say no to wrecking public services, to maximising private benefits, to private opulence and public squalor.
Let’s say yes again to evidence-based policies and supporting the most vulnerable and marginalised, and for a decent country worth living in for all of us.